Whether we’re having it or not, we all love to talk about sex. The boomers love a sexual innuendo, the internet loves to get outraged about the ways in which people express their sexuality, and everyone loves to unpack sex onscreen (guilty!). What few of us are any good at, though, is talking about sex—or, more accurately, pleasure—in any meaningful way with the people who matter: our sexual partners.
This makes sense: Although we’ve come a long way, sex—and especially women’s sexual desire and pleasure—is still rarely openly discussed. Most of us were brought up to see sex as dirty, embarrassing, or even shameful, thanks in part to our diabolical sex education, in which the enjoyment of sex (the whole point) was never discussed. It’s no wonder then that most of us have entered adulthood blind when it comes to how to navigate sex—how to have it, how to talk about it, and, perhaps most depressingly, what good sex actually looks like.
Ironically, all of this is compounded by the fact that in many ways, we have more sexual freedom than ever. It’s no longer as taboo to have sex outside of a relationship (though archaic, misogynistic double standards still prevail), and so many of us often have sex with people before we’ve gotten to know them.
This isn’t a bad thing! Sex is part of how we get to know romantic partners (or just something to do for fun with hot strangers). But because we don’t always know our lovers very well before taking them to the bedroom, it might mean that we’ve become more accustomed to being—shall we say?—shy about asking for what we really want in bed.
It’s something that many of us carry into longer-term relationships, too. In fact, it can sometimes be even harder to communicate your desires to a long-term partner, particularly if those desires are nontraditional or stigmatized in some way—I mean, hello, we all saw Babygirl.
Why poor communication = limp sex
So, where does this leave us? Well, it leaves us tolerating damn average sex. Last year, when we surveyed you, 72 percent of you said you sometimes or regularly feign greater pleasure during sex, while 44 percent of you said you sometimes or regularly fake it completely. You told us that you do it for a variety of reasons, including: to make the other person happy or boost their self-esteem, to not let your partner down, so you don’t “seem like a boring shag,” to avoid dealing with rejection, to help you get into the zone and enjoy the sex more, to “get it over with quicker,” and to make sure your partner doesn’t “feel bad” because they’d “be offended” if they knew “[orgasming] wasn’t going to happen.” Bit bleak, guys.
Other stats back this sorry state of affairs up. As per Durex’s new Global Sex Survey, one-fifth of those surveyed said they struggle to communicate what they do and don’t want from their partner, while just 1 in 6 said their partner is good at giving them pleasure. Meanwhile, a whopping 60 percent said it’s difficult to admit if they’re experiencing any sexual problems.
And while your sexual pleasure is an important metric in and of itself, the effects of this sexual communication crisis can bleed into the fabric of your relationships—and addressing it could help you have more fruitful communication outside of the bedroom. There’s a wealth of evidence that shows couples who communicate more about their sexual desires, preferences, fears, and fantasies report higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction, and, in turn, greater life satisfaction.
It tracks! If you can feel bold enough to tell your partner what you need them to do with their hands, it makes sense that stating your needs when it comes to their time, terms of the relationship, and where you see them fitting along with your big life goals becomes a little less intimidating.
So given it’s Valentine’s Day, the one official holiday dedicated to love, romance, and sex, we’re deep diving into the sexual communication crisis—and, crucially, showing you how you use your voice in order to get laid really well tonight...and beyond.
Why we suck at talking about sex
First, this isn’t just a sex-specific problem. In 2025, we’re not just enduring a crisis of sexual satisfaction but also of connection in general.
We’re constantly being told that young people in the UK are lonelier than ever, with 1 in 3 socializing less. Rising solitude can have a negative impact on people’s social—and, yes, communication—skills, which can trickle down into romantic relationships as well.
This connection crisis, combined with a turbulent political climate and the rising cost of living, can also just dampen your feelings of pleasure in general. All in all: not sexy. But at a time when competing forces conspire to make our lives grim or uninspiring, the need for enlivening, enriching sex is arguably greater than ever.
“There’s a dire need for lovers to talk in more depth about their turn-offs and turn-ons to avoid coming away from erotic encounters unsatisfied, but folks are nervous, embarrassed, and clueless about how to broach the subject,” says writer and sex educator Alix Fox. “Vocalizing that we’re intrigued by the idea of exploring a particular fantasy, toy, or sex act risks being judged, and found wanting for our wants.”
How this plays out in LTRs
While we may feel more comfortable articulating our needs in established relationships, they come with their own sexual communication issues.
“The stakes arguably feel higher in long-term relationships,” Fox continues, “where if, for example, we suggest that we’d like our partner to change the way they give oral or experiment with a butt plug, and their reaction isn’t what we’d hoped for, we can’t scurry away to deal with our cringe privately in the same way we might from a one-night stand.”
“There’s also a huge misconception that if you have ‘good chemistry’ with your partner, then sex should be something that ‘just works,’ rather than something that needs to be worked upon. In reality, unless your lover is psychic and/or your clone, there will be times you need to talk.”
There’s another misconception about sex with a committed partner: that it’s doomed to get increasingly boring the longer you’re together. This, says psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury, can lead people to start focusing so much on their partner’s enjoyment—in order to “bring back the spark”—that they neglect their own. “For cis straight women in particular, men’s sexual pleasure has been the dominant discourse for generations,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “This [has led to many women to believe that] pedestalling their partner’s pleasure over their own is crucial.”
As per our survey results, it seems a lot of you can relate to this. It’s reflected in the orgasm gap, too. According to YouGov data, straight men are twice as likely to orgasm during sex than heterosexual women, with 63 percent of men saying they always orgasm, compared to just 30 percent of women. Meanwhile, 32 percent of bisexual women say they always climax, which rises to 40 percent for lesbians, 54 percent for bisexual men, and 56 percent for gay men. Of course, sex isn’t always about the orgasm, but it’s not not about it either. And if your partner never makes you climax, well, that’s a problem—but it’s one that’s on both of you to solve.
The toxic role of sex onscreen
You can’t blame movies for everything, but in the absence of comprehensive sex education, portrayals of sex onscreen—whether Hollywood films or pornography—have shaped a lot of people’s ideas about sex. This definitely plays a role in the orgasm gap. Clitoral stimulation, which most women need to climax, hasn’t historically been included in the cultural messaging about what straight sex is all about: penetration. Not just that, but sex onscreen tends to be seamless. There’s no fumbling with the condom; there’s rarely conversation during sex (whether about what does or doesn’t feel good, switching positions, acknowledgment of any clumsy moments); and there’s almost never clean-up afterward.
“Movies, shows, and mainstream porn often portray sex as effortless and perfectly timed,” agrees Drury. “This creates unrealistic standards and pressure to ‘perform.’” If you’re seeing sex as a performance rather than a form of play that you can lose yourself in, you’re more likely to ‘stick to the script,’ as it were, and prioritize perceived perfection over actual pleasure. In turn, you’re bound to get less enjoyment out of it.
This can also influence sexual health precautions. Back in September, Durex released a survey about why condom usage has fallen in the UK, with 14 percent of people saying they avoid condoms because they reduce spontaneity, while 13 percent consider them to be a mood-killer. “Real-life sex is naturally varied and doesn’t have to mirror media portrayals,” continues Drury. “Try to shift the focus to presence, pleasure, and connection, rather than trying to achieve an idealized, spontaneous scenario.”
The 4-step formula to get better at sexual communication (and get off)
So now what? “Knowing more about your body and sexuality can make you feel more empowered in general,” says Drury. “Books, articles, and podcasts on intimacy can help break down misconceptions and broaden your vocabulary for talking about these topics [and then more].”
Fox says she’s developed a model for comfortable communication about sex that she calls The Four Cs.
The first, she tells Cosmopolitan UK, is to be curious: “Your aim is to learn from one another. Try to keep an open mind and ask questions before making judgments.”
Then be compassionate: “Try to think kindly about what might be concerning your lover, reflect on how things may feel from their point of view, and consider where they may need support.”
Be calm: “Getting whipped up into a frenzy won’t serve you. Don’t dissect sex when you’ve just had it and you’re naked and vulnerable. Make a brew, then sit and chat, or talk while you walk outside.”
And, finally, be cheery: “Remind yourself that everything you’re learning has the potential to make sex better for you both so, really, it’s a positive conversation. Even if bits of it are hard in the moment. It might well end up having playful, exciting, and horny elements, too!”
If you remove any mentions of sex, this is just good advice for everyday communication with your partner. And, yes, it might be scary and it might start some difficult conversations, but at least there’ll hopefully be a good shag at the end of it—which is what life’s really all about, isn’t it?
